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TOPIC: An Email to Fasthosts

An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7727

As those of you who follow me on Twitter will have heard, Fasthosts sent me a threatening email last night in respect of the contract that I cancelled some time ago. It reads as follows:

The Retarded Monkeys at Fasthosts wrote:

Billing Alert - Website Services Suspended


Dear Matt Dillon
Account No. UK506256411

Payment Outstanding for 14 days.
£59.33 has now been outstanding on your Fasthosts account for 14 days. Repeated attempts to collect payment have been declined.

Website Services Suspended
Website services on your account have regrettably been suspended and will remain offline until payment is received. Should the outstanding balance remain unpaid, all services on your account will eventually be shut down and data deleted. Should this occur you will also be liable for an additional £20 + VAT administration fee in accordance with our terms of service, however this closure will not remove any liability for the outstanding balance, and any remaining contractual commitment.

Act immediately to Restore your Services.
It is imperative that you act immediately to restore your services.
Log in at www.fasthosts.co.uk/login to update your payment details.


If you need assistance with updating your payment details, please contact us on 0844 583 0777.
We wish to give you every opportunity to provide payment for your services and hope that prompt action on your part will resolve the situation. However, we must inform you that failure to clear your outstanding balance may affect your credit rating.

Sincerely
Fasthosts Internet Ltd

Terms and Conditions: www.fasthosts.co.uk/companyinfo/termsofservice/

Please do not reply to this email. It is an automatically generated notification, sent from an unmonitored address.


I thought some of you might be interested to read my response, which runs as follows:

Matt Dillon retorted:

Dear Fasthosts,

"Please do not reply to this email".

Well, sorry. The address it comes from is exactly the same as the one you use for all other correspondence, including the so-called "customer relations" escalations which allegedly got me more senior support. It's hard to take you seriously when you use a single bucket for all of your slop. So I SHALL reply to this email address, because it's the only one you apparently have.

First and foremost: didn't you get the message? I mean, how many times did I have to ask, beg, threaten and cajole you before somebody capable of reading and understanding English translated the message into Gibbon for the rest of your "support" team to comprehend? YOUR SERVICE WAS ATROCIOUS. In 80 days of willingly subscribing to your VPS service I experienced approximately 21 days of intermittent downtime, data loss and errors, almost all of which was blamed on my staff rather than the widespread and critical issues that you later admitted you were experiencing with your VPS network. This downtime almost cost me my business, and my health.

Now, unless you're as bad at numbers as you are with the comprehension of English and customer service, you can do the calculations easily enough: that's more than 26% in downtime. Now go on, scuttle off and check your much-vaunted Service Level Agreement. Where in that hallowed document does it state that I agree to 26 fucking percent downtime? If you can find it, you can have a lollypop. Seriously, a big one. Even a red one, if you like.

And yet, despite this, and the embarrassment it caused for me as I continually had to return to my colleagues and convince them to keep you as a supplier based on your service levels under our old shared hosting package, we stuck with you. Through all of the empty promises, all of the promise phone calls that never materialised, all of the emails that were never received... we stuck with you. Until one day, after TWO ENTIRE WEEKENDS spent manually rebuilding our website from backups following file system errors in the hamster-powered shit-factory that you laughingly call a VPS network, we delivered an ultimatum: get us a working package before the end of the day (not within an hour, or two, our even four, all of which would have been reasonable timeframes given the business-critical nature of our issues, but ELEVEN FUCKING HOURS!). or I would cancel the package, cancel all payment, and use what small amount of clout we have within the media to decry your company and its so-called services to whoever would listen.

A day later (that's twenty-four hours, by the way, thirteen more than the generous allotment we gave you - enough time to watch an entire series of Doctor Who, something I know after going forty-eight hours without sleep two weekends on the trot) we got a response. That was a little bit too late, I'm afraid, so guess what we did? And after disputing the payments made to you via PayPal, we're still waiting for your response on our request for a refund.

So here's what's going to happen. You are NOT going to charge us £20 for shutting down our contract. Nor are we going to pay you one more goddamn penny. If I see a single invoice from you, you're going to small claims court, where I shall not only be setting out my case for having our account shut down and cleared, but also claiming an appropriate sum in compensation. And you are going to lose, because I've not only got copies of every email I sent you, but also recordings of every phone call ever made to your company (that's the beauty of having a phone number through Skype: VERY easy to record the audio stream) proving which failed promises were made by your staff. I'll also, of course, have a copy of the SLA, and the downtime to your VPS network well-documented in the media and over Twitter.

So... you are going to shut down our account. You are going to clear the account of any "arrears", because you've already had more than £120.00 out of us that you don't deserve. And you are going to confirm that you've done this in writing, and then fuck succinctly off. Because I'm sorry for the day that I ever encountered your company.

Please note that unless I receive a personal response from an actual human being acknowledging the content of this email, and using the key-phrase "clunge spoon" somewhere in the subject line (which is how I'll know that somebody has read this email rather than simply bouncing me back an auto-reply with a staff-member's name attached to it) within 24-hours, I will take this as full and complete acceptance of my requests.

Kind regards,

Matt

PS: I'm fucking angry. Can you tell? I'm concerned that I'm being a tad too subtle.


Feel free to add your comments. If I need to, I'll forward them on.

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Matt Dillon
Editor-in-chief, GeekPlanetOnline
- "Perhaps it is something I said."
- "Perhaps it is everything you say."

Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7728

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Shouldn't they have sent you a notification sooner than 14 days?

Their whole operation smells rotten, have you considered contacting Watchdog on this?

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Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7732

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Whenever I have a complaint to make I want Matt to write the letter.

I love it when companies assume that Joe Public doesn't keep records of what is said and done. They seem to believe if they leave the matter a few weeks of months and then press for monies that Joe Public will have forgotten what was said and recycled any correspondence.

Well said Matt but I think you were being too subtle.

Not enough references to their toilet etiquette.

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Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7733

one thing i hate.

SLA.

Working in customer service and seeing those three letters make me shudder.

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"I am the devourer of worlds... also, trinkets."

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Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7736

VICTORY!
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At half-past eleven this morning, I received a phone call from Fasthosts - from their "Head of Social Media", no less (or as I call it, the "Ooh shit, people are being nasty about us on Twitter" department) - offering me three months' free subscription and a transfer from a virtual to a dedicated server with no setup fee (note: NOT a free UPGRADE - we'd still have to pay the increased subscription costs once the dedicated server was in place!).

I told him to <Londo voice> GO AWAY. </Londo voice>

So he agreed to cancel the contract and wipe the "arrears" clean. And then go away and never come back. This was confirmed in writing earlier today.

Goodbye, Clungehosts. You shan't be missed.

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Matt Dillon
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- "Perhaps it is something I said."
- "Perhaps it is everything you say."

Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7737

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But did he identify himself by using the phrase "clunge spoon" though?

Congrats sir, justice has been done :)

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My dream is to open a pub called The Go Go Gadget Arms

Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7738

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I was wandering that, clunge or no clunge?

Well done on sticking it to 'em though.

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Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7749

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Well done Matt for sticking it to the man........why does that sound so naff when a non-American says it?

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Re: An Email to Fasthosts 6 years 7 months ago #7759

They don't like it up 'em.

That better?

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