Blessed Are The Geek

Before he gave his life to the service of the Church, the Reverend Peter Organ dedicated his passion to spaceships, sticker albums, orcs and laser-swords. Now married with two children of his own, he’s yet to find a cassock which covers the geek completely, and wonders how he’s going to explain his Warhammer collection to the Bishop…

You may have noticed the lack of columns from myself of late. There are two reasons. The first is that I'm pretty busy work-wise as I begin to prepare to become a vicar in a different parish. What tends to happen in the time between appointment to a post and actually starting is you have to deal with various issues from the new parish on top of running your current one, which may sound like complaining, but is actually quite fun at the moment, as some of the fresh challenges have started already. The second reason is rather more geek-related: Wesley Crusher killed me. Actually, that’s unfair; there are many other reasons why I'm lacking in enthusiasm for continuing my Star Trek: The Next Generation rewatch, as you’ll know if you've read columns passim. 

But I will not be beaten! The rest of the season will be viewed, mainly because the rules of the rewatch state that I'm not allowed to watch any episodes of any incarnation of Star Trek until I've at least finished season one of TNG. A more fundamentalist geek might even claim that the entire seven season run needs to be watched before any other Trek, but I’m a feeling a little more liberal about it at the moment, i.e. I’m a wimp. 

In the meantime, by way of a change I present Tunes Not To Be Cremated To, Part 1. 

I spend a lot of time at crematoria. Not as a hobby, you understand - I'm not that morbid - but rather for professional reasons. Not only do I have to survive hearing the same few songs most people chose for the funerals I take, but I make a habit of getting to the crem early, so catch the last tune of the funeral before too. As a result, there are certain songs I've heard way too many times, and many of them are, at best, inappropriate for a funeral and, at worst, probably insulting to the deceased. 

We start with the king of the them all: My Way, sung by that Sinatra bloke. Probably the most popular choice, partly because it’s a popular tune to croon at karaoke if you’re one the local working-class men in my current parish, but mainly I suspect, because of the first two lines: 


And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

True enough. But what of the rest of this "classic"?


My friend I'll say it clear

I'll state my case of which I'm certain

Very sure of oneself, but that can be good in moderation.


I've lived a life that's full

I travelled each and every highway

Never had Frank down as being a gypsy or travelogue writer, but hey - travel broadens the mind, eh?


And more, much more than this

I did it my way.

Apparently not. Travelled the world, but learned nothing from anyone else. Nice.


Regrets, I've had a few

Good - we all do things we regret, it’s how we learn in life.


But then again too few to mention

Oh. Very humble of you.


I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exemption

Beginning to sound like a rather unpleasant town planner here aren't we?


I planned each charted course

Each careful step along the byway

Sensible at least, though one would think life may make you reconsider your plans from time to time.


And more, much more than this

I did it my way.

But clearly not in your case. Wow.


Yes there were times I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew

No surprise there, idiot-face.


But through it all when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out

Doubt is a basic survival and learning tool, not something to be masticated and gobbed out.


I faced it all

And I stood tall, and did it my way.

Sheesh, what a pigheaded, selfish twit.


I've loved

Mostly yourself.


I've laughed and cried

I'm not surprised at the latter, twonk.


I've had my fill, my share of losing

Good. Now learn, fracker! Oh wait, you can't due to being dead.


And now, as tears subside

I find it all so amusing

Glad somebody does.


To think I did all that

And may I say not in a shy way

I hope humility deficiency leads to a painful death.


Oh no, oh no, not me

I did it my way.

For what is a man? What has he got?

Er... a penis?


If not himself then he has naught

Someone should shoot you for using grammar like that. And for being a irritating sprunt.


To say the things he truly feels

Andy Gray and Richard Keys anyone?


And not the words of one who kneels

Or thinks about what they’re going to say before saying it.


The record shows, I took the blows

Good. Hopefully between the legs.


And did it my way.

What an unlikeable idiot you clearly were. I’m so glad you died. I’d be dancing on your coffin if it wasn't frowned upon by my bishop.


Yes it was my way

Yes, and look where it got you.


Feel free to chose this track for your funeral by the way, just bear in mind what might be going through the minister’s mind (probably with stronger language than I've used here).


Words to My Way written by Paul Anka. And may God have mercy on his soul.