The Console Room

GeekPlanetOnline's resident Doctor Who Correspondent Martin Thompson takes a deeper look at the adventures of a mad man in a box, along with his friends, foes and fandom. With over fifty years of rubber monsters, changing faces, dented police boxes, exterminations and pointed goatees to look at, he has more than a few things to say on the subject...

Picture the scene: a darkened, garbage-strewn corner of downtown Gotham City with crumbling buildings and cars eternally on fire. Into the night stride two costumed titans of popular culture, Superman and Batman, ready for their final showdown. Suddenly, blackest night is bathed in a bright blue light and a familiar vworp-vworp screeches throughout the area as a small blue box materialises in a nearby alleyway.

The mega-scrap between the big blue Boy Scout and the Dark Knight on the big screen in Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice was one of the year’s most eagerly anticipated movies but how would the Doctor solve matters if he were dropped into the mix? Whose side would he be on (if any) and would anyone even listen to him? I can’t see UNIT or the GCPD lending a hand either. First of all though, the question would be which Doctor? Each incarnation would have a different way of handling matters. The First Doctor would just wade in, waving his walking stick about and shouting the odds before having to take seat on a nearby wall. The Second Doctor may take a similar tack or just play dumb to see where it gets him. The Third Doctor though, was the most diplomatic incarnation so perhaps he would share a story - one of his sagely moments of charm - with the two heroes, extolling the virtues of working together with one eye on taking the Batmobile for a quick spin around the block.


The Sixth Doctor would approach the situation with his usual verbose bluster, but the Seventh may already be subtly manipulating matters while Ace prepares a few cans of Nitro Nine to throw around if things kick off. The Tenth Doctor would most likely put his arms around Superman and lament how he too is the last of his kind before issuing his “no second chances” declaration. As for the latest incarnation, following events in The Zygon Inversion, who can’t see the Twelfth Doctor pleading with the two to give up their feud, just sit down and talk it out. Maybe some kind of Robin Box would help.


Despite the amount of wars he has fought, The Doctor is a pacifist and a peacemaker and would seek to stop the fight before many lives are lost. Any of the modern series Doctors would doubtless be able to disable anything in Batman’s arsenal by just a flick of their sonic screwdriver. He would also find some way of knackering Superman too. There must be a piece of Kryptonite somewhere in his bottomless pockets, next to an Infinity Gem no doubt, or in use as a paperweight somewhere in the TARDIS. Ultimately though he would fall down on the side of Superman; an alien who has settled on Earth after his home planet has been destroyed. Batman would be berated as the symbol of humanity, who seek to destroy anything they don't understand. The human race at its worst. However he may admire him too as a man who has put all the trappings of his wealth into helping people, albeit through rather violent methods, but for the best reasons.


How to deal with the problem though? Taking Supes back to Krypton isn’t really an option unless it would be earlier in its timeline and he could live out his years until its destruction. It would doubtless be a fixed point in time anyway, so saving the planet would be out of the question. How about a trip in the TARDIS to an uninhabited world? Well, Superman can already fly through space so he could probably find somewhere new without the Doctor’s interference, but then there’s Lois Lane, his job at the Daily Planet and adopted family to consider. He has roots here and those can’t be forgotten, plus at some point he would have to find out if Brodie Bruce’s theory on superhero reproduction from Mallrats was correct.


Maybe the two heroes need to fight, though. They need to know that they’re a match for each other. Superman isn’t a god and can be defeated by man, and yet there is someone capable of besting the fearsome Dark Knight. Perhaps all they need is an arena to do it in, such as a quiet backwater planet with no habitation or large city structures. The Seventh Doctor would perhaps let them get on with it, knowing that the Justice League will be born from this scrap, which will help so many more lives and bring races together. So what if a large chunk of downtown explodes compared to the billions of lives that will be saved. Hopefully the area will have been cleared out by one of the capes beforehand or else they’ll all have mysteriously won the lottery that night.


Hopefully by the time Wonder Woman arrives little devastation will have been done and perhaps Batman and Superman will have been swayed by the Doctor’s arguments and have gone to talk matters over in a small café somewhere, maybe over shawarma. The Doctor will point Wonder Woman in the right direction, perhaps after making the Amazonian an offer to join him in the TARDIS for a trip throughout time and space, and after the inevitable refusal he’ll find himself wandering his way back to his time machine with thoughts of another warrior woman, a savage in fact, that he knew a long time ago.